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[It's taken her a full month and some change to be ready to talk about this. In all honesty, she's still not sure she's all the way there yet. She's also been very worried about Buzz. He's not been doing so hot and she's hesitant to put more on his plate. ]

Hey howdy hey.

[Wow. That's the worst way to start this off. Why did she type that? Wow.]

I think I'm ready to talk about the bird thing. But I don't want you to deal with more than you can. It's been a rough month for you. It can wait.

Hey howdy hey, cowgirl.

[his reply comes through near instantly as it usually does when jessie messages him, no matter the time. it's almost like he has a sixth sense for these things.

anyway, buzz is... coping. it's been a rough few months, sure, but he's keeping himself together. he might be a little more spacey than normal and grayscale aside from his armour gloves, but otherwise he's doing okay! he can be there for her to talk.]

Whatever you need. I'm home.

[It's almost a relief, how fast he responds. Reliable as always. She's still worried this will be too much for him. It's been too much for her for a while, which is why hasn't talked about it for so long. She needed to be able to process it, accept it for what it was and find a way to live with it. Is it cruel to drop this in his lap? She doesn't know.]

I'm outside.
On the porch.

[Where the others can't overhear what she has to say. Telling Buzz is one thing, telling the others is something else entirely. ]

[he doesn't reply to that; buzz had just been in the kitchen, about ten human-steps away. this is going to be a difficult conversation for them both, he knows that, and he knows jessie knows that, but buzz still saunters over and sits next to her with that big dumb grin he has when he sees her in an environment that isn't immediately dangerous. one would be forgiven for thinking that buzz falls for her all over again every time he sees her. it would not be inaccurate.

buzz puts his hand over hers when he sits, looking out over the street. it's nice to have the weather back to sunny with a light breeze-- this is always his favourite time of year.]

Whenever you're ready.

[Oh, if she knew that, if it wouldn't just make her heart a whole lot fuller than he already makes it. He offers him a smile- there's a touch of tension there, it's not quite how she looks when her old ghosts are haunting her. This is a whole new kind of haunting she has to deal with.

She turns her hand under his so she can grip his. That makes her feel better, grounded.]

Just so you know, being turned organic is really weird. Gonna start that right off the bat. It's really, really weird. It's like being pushed and pulled at the same time. It's...hard to explain. It freaked me out something rotten.

[it's a strange thing to consider. he hadn't quite forgotten the changing part - that was the worst, for him, thinking she was dead because of him. it's the part he thinks about the most and the part he thinks about the least; a sort of dissociation he was prone to coming off his identity crisis.]

...Did it hurt? Or just feel really weird?

[god, he hopes it didn't hurt.]

[Oh, she knows- she remembers his panicked stream of messages- she knows none of this is easy for him to hear and she winces outwardly. She doesn't like to hurt him, but she knows it needs to be said all the time.]

No. It didn't hurt. I think if I was properly alive before I turned it would have? But it was mostly... weird. And after that, I didn't really know much of anything. There wasn't much of me left in there. It's like trying to remember a nightmare.

[but this isn't about him, and nothing can quite motivate buzz to pull himself together like jessie needing him.

it's clear he doesn't like that "properly alive" comment, but he doesn't comment on it beyond a light wince.]

Maybe that's for the best. I don't think you would ever do half the stuff it did if you were in your right mind.

[She notices the wince, but doesn't comment on it. They are alive, but now she knows there's a stark difference between being alive and being alive. But she can't put it into words, the way it felt- the way it doesn't feel any more. Despite the horror of it all, despite everything she went through and how much it scared her... there's a tiny part of her that misses the feeling of life. Of having a heartbeat and air in real lungs- but she doesn't voice it. It... probably sounds wrong. ]

I wouldn't. Not at all. [She drops her gaze to the floor.] Buzz... I killed people. Townspeople, not sleepers... but still people.

[as much as he'd want to encourage her to discuss that further to try and help (not that he knows he should, as well as he knows her he can't quite read her mind), the sad reality - that buzz would be aware of, too - is that he just wouldn't be able to understand it until he's been shoved through something similar. ironically, ironhide is probably the best person for that and he's...

well. anyway.]

Do you... remember doing it?

[Ironhide is exactly the trauma buddy she should talk to on this one. But he's... YEAH.]

A little? [Her tone isn't sure.] I get flashes, it's not in a whole lot of detail but it's still there. Will was chick too- I remember catching him... uh. Food.

[You know. People food.]

[he figures that out immediately, and he hates it.]

I won't... insult what you've been through by saying that it's okay, because it's not. It very much isn't, but... you came back. You both did. You broke out of it. Have you spoken to Will about this?

[that's... not something he envies her for. how could you explain that to someone his age?]

Does anything trigger them? [because of course he wants to make sure he can protect her from that part of it, at least.]

I think we only broke out of it because whatever turned us into birds in the first place stopped. We didn't choose to. It just... happened. ...And yeah, a little. He doesn't really wanna talk about it much either.

[Unsurprisngly.]

No... I don't think so. They just come and go. It's not like- [like her other traumas] it's not like small spaces or anything. Nothing makes them come. They just do.

It doesn't have to be some grand display of willpower to be a good thing. You're back. That's what matters.

[he nods as he considers this-- buzz is quite familiar with it. it's an unfortunately familiar feeling, though still new for them both. at least her claustrophobia has an obvious trigger.]

It'll likely be like that for a while. Next time it happens, let me know. [he wants to discuss will, too, wants to encourage her to get him to talk to someone but... jessie is his priority. he can feel guilty about that later.] Staying grounded when it hits you will be important. You don't... I know its gonna be hard, but this is a possible spiral of guilt and self-loathing that has to be fought against. It was the town trying to break you down. Do you want me to see if I can seek out others that changed so they can commiserate?

[other adults goes unsaid. will is incredible, but he is still just a kid.]

...I guess you're right. Least it ended.

[Or... the transformation ended, anyway. Everything else still lingers, much as she's tried to shut it out. She offers him a weak smile.]

I will, I promise. [She genuinely does appreciate it. She knows he's dealing with.. a lot, and doesn't want to drag him down with her.] I didn't think about that... it might be a good idea. Talking it over with someone else who's been there might do some good.

[Because keeping it ALL LOCKED INSIDE sue did not.]

[he nods with a little smile, but it's... a very weak one. he doesn't even know or want to consider what he'd do if she changed and never went back. suppose it feels quite similar to how jessie does when he loses his memories. all-around unpleasant and quite traumatic.]

I don't mind looking, but-- I understand you want to keep this underwraps, too. It's not the sort of thing you want everyone... [a little glance back to the house. sorry, woody and bo.] to know as basic trivia.

[and... he feels so guilty for not being able to help further with this. there's only so much he can do, at the end of the day. she trusted him to help and protect her and it feels like he's just... delegating it. but it's a selfish feeling, focused on himself, and he knows he doesn't deserve it.]

But-- we don't have to stop now, if there's still more you need to say.

[It's the worst experience, she hates it every time it happens to him.]

I know they'll need to know eventually. [She picks up what he puts down, glancing back at the house. ] They've just been so happy lately. I don't want to mess that up.

[Because lord know their happiness is always so fleeting here.]

It was... weirdly freeing? [Does she sound guilty about that? She sure sounds guilty.] I was still angry all the time, but nothing else was there. No memories of Emily or being in the box. It was all gone. ...But then I didn't have memories of any of you and that- I hate that.

I know.

[that's all he can really say to that. he promised jessie he wouldn't share it and it really is up to her to decide when to tell them. this isn't something like accidentally breaking someone's accessory while trying to do a stunt with it and not wanting to be chased around the room and smacked with mrs potato head's purse.]

A double-edged sword. You got freedom from your past at the expense of... everything else. [which is to say, he doesn't think poorly of her for enjoying the freedom. it stings, but he can't imagine it hurts any more than when he looks at her with no recognition when his switch is flipped.] You're not you without it. Without the relationships you've formed with me and the others, without all the strength it took for you to get to where you are now.

[.....and also thunderbird jessie ate people.]

Don't much like the thought of that none. But I guess that's just how this place works.

[It's very much that feeling- of watching what makes him him vanish away like it was never there at all. She hates it. Every single time. She sucks in a breath, leaning against him a little, taking the comfort she could.]

It wasn't me, and I don't want it to be me. I just... don't know if it'll ever happen again. I sure hope not, but we never know.

[Thunderbird Jessie totally ate people.]

That's what your blanket is for. To lessen the effects but not lose them all together, so you're still you.

[buzz just... shakes his head as he looks away for a moment. talking about it like this is all well and good, but he knows it's going to happen again. it's inevitable. when jessie came out her box-- did she think she was a real cowgirl, too? with their own inner workings and timelines up in the air, there's not even one single way it could happen again.]

I hate to say it, but all we can do is deal with it as it happens. That's really all any of the Sleepers here can do when these things happen. At least... whenever it's over, we'll all be here with you to help.

I know... I don't always want to rely on it, but I guess I really need it more than I realised.

[She doesn't want to use it as a crutch- she got by back home without it. But this place... well, this place knows not only how to press all her buttons, but can also create whole new buttons to press repeatedly. She doesn't like it at all.

She manages a fleeting smile.]

I know that, too. I'm real grateful that you're here. It means more than anything that you're here. Don't reckon I could deal with this place without you here.

If you ever get scared of how much you use it... let me know. I can deal with it.

[he's pretty insistent he deals with everything, it seems like. that said, he knows what he'd do with it. just put it in a lockbox and hide the key.]

Oh, believe me, I understand. I thought I'd lose it if it was just me and Woody. [he says that in jest, obviously.] And seeing Bo for more than five minutes? That's only a good thing.

Thanks, Buzz. I'll do that, promise.

[Buzz, honey, stop taking on everything. It's too much. Buzz please.]

I'm pretty sure if it was just you and Woody, this place would be on fire by now. [She loves you boys but you are both A Lot. Especially together.] It's been so good to spend time with Bo again.

[he is a strong ranger he caN TAKE IT ALL.]

We're not that bad... [said in the tone of someone who knows they are absolutely that bad.] I didn't get to see her much even in the Basin. It all went by so fast and we had so much to do.

[There are SO SO that bad, Buzz, come on. ]

Uh-huh. So you two didn't get into any fights while you were both... younger? At all?

[Her smile turns a little sadder.]

We just didn't get any time at all. I'm glad we got it here.

Text un: bazooka jane

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