[he figures that out immediately, and he hates it.]
I won't... insult what you've been through by saying that it's okay, because it's not. It very much isn't, but... you came back. You both did. You broke out of it. Have you spoken to Will about this?
[that's... not something he envies her for. how could you explain that to someone his age?]
Does anything trigger them? [because of course he wants to make sure he can protect her from that part of it, at least.]
I think we only broke out of it because whatever turned us into birds in the first place stopped. We didn't choose to. It just... happened. ...And yeah, a little. He doesn't really wanna talk about it much either.
[Unsurprisngly.]
No... I don't think so. They just come and go. It's not like- [like her other traumas] it's not like small spaces or anything. Nothing makes them come. They just do.
It doesn't have to be some grand display of willpower to be a good thing. You're back. That's what matters.
[he nods as he considers this-- buzz is quite familiar with it. it's an unfortunately familiar feeling, though still new for them both. at least her claustrophobia has an obvious trigger.]
It'll likely be like that for a while. Next time it happens, let me know. [he wants to discuss will, too, wants to encourage her to get him to talk to someone but... jessie is his priority. he can feel guilty about that later.] Staying grounded when it hits you will be important. You don't... I know its gonna be hard, but this is a possible spiral of guilt and self-loathing that has to be fought against. It was the town trying to break you down. Do you want me to see if I can seek out others that changed so they can commiserate?
[other adults goes unsaid. will is incredible, but he is still just a kid.]
[Or... the transformation ended, anyway. Everything else still lingers, much as she's tried to shut it out. She offers him a weak smile.]
I will, I promise. [She genuinely does appreciate it. She knows he's dealing with.. a lot, and doesn't want to drag him down with her.] I didn't think about that... it might be a good idea. Talking it over with someone else who's been there might do some good.
[Because keeping it ALL LOCKED INSIDE sue did not.]
[he nods with a little smile, but it's... a very weak one. he doesn't even know or want to consider what he'd do if she changed and never went back. suppose it feels quite similar to how jessie does when he loses his memories. all-around unpleasant and quite traumatic.]
I don't mind looking, but-- I understand you want to keep this underwraps, too. It's not the sort of thing you want everyone... [a little glance back to the house. sorry, woody and bo.] to know as basic trivia.
[and... he feels so guilty for not being able to help further with this. there's only so much he can do, at the end of the day. she trusted him to help and protect her and it feels like he's just... delegating it. but it's a selfish feeling, focused on himself, and he knows he doesn't deserve it.]
But-- we don't have to stop now, if there's still more you need to say.
[It's the worst experience, she hates it every time it happens to him.]
I know they'll need to know eventually. [She picks up what he puts down, glancing back at the house. ] They've just been so happy lately. I don't want to mess that up.
[Because lord know their happiness is always so fleeting here.]
It was... weirdly freeing? [Does she sound guilty about that? She sure sounds guilty.] I was still angry all the time, but nothing else was there. No memories of Emily or being in the box. It was all gone. ...But then I didn't have memories of any of you and that- I hate that.
[that's all he can really say to that. he promised jessie he wouldn't share it and it really is up to her to decide when to tell them. this isn't something like accidentally breaking someone's accessory while trying to do a stunt with it and not wanting to be chased around the room and smacked with mrs potato head's purse.]
A double-edged sword. You got freedom from your past at the expense of... everything else. [which is to say, he doesn't think poorly of her for enjoying the freedom. it stings, but he can't imagine it hurts any more than when he looks at her with no recognition when his switch is flipped.] You're not you without it. Without the relationships you've formed with me and the others, without all the strength it took for you to get to where you are now.
Don't much like the thought of that none. But I guess that's just how this place works.
[It's very much that feeling- of watching what makes him him vanish away like it was never there at all. She hates it. Every single time. She sucks in a breath, leaning against him a little, taking the comfort she could.]
It wasn't me, and I don't want it to be me. I just... don't know if it'll ever happen again. I sure hope not, but we never know.
That's what your blanket is for. To lessen the effects but not lose them all together, so you're still you.
[buzz just... shakes his head as he looks away for a moment. talking about it like this is all well and good, but he knows it's going to happen again. it's inevitable. when jessie came out her box-- did she think she was a real cowgirl, too? with their own inner workings and timelines up in the air, there's not even one single way it could happen again.]
I hate to say it, but all we can do is deal with it as it happens. That's really all any of the Sleepers here can do when these things happen. At least... whenever it's over, we'll all be here with you to help.
I know... I don't always want to rely on it, but I guess I really need it more than I realised.
[She doesn't want to use it as a crutch- she got by back home without it. But this place... well, this place knows not only how to press all her buttons, but can also create whole new buttons to press repeatedly. She doesn't like it at all.
She manages a fleeting smile.]
I know that, too. I'm real grateful that you're here. It means more than anything that you're here. Don't reckon I could deal with this place without you here.
If you ever get scared of how much you use it... let me know. I can deal with it.
[he's pretty insistent he deals with everything, it seems like. that said, he knows what he'd do with it. just put it in a lockbox and hide the key.]
Oh, believe me, I understand. I thought I'd lose it if it was just me and Woody. [he says that in jest, obviously.] And seeing Bo for more than five minutes? That's only a good thing.
[Buzz, honey, stop taking on everything. It's too much. Buzz please.]
I'm pretty sure if it was just you and Woody, this place would be on fire by now. [She loves you boys but you are both A Lot. Especially together.] It's been so good to spend time with Bo again.
We're not that bad... [said in the tone of someone who knows they are absolutely that bad.] I didn't get to see her much even in the Basin. It all went by so fast and we had so much to do.
You know the other toys told me what happened when you and Woody met, right? You know they didn't keep that a secret? Potato Head pretty much yelled it at me on my second day in the room.
[woody just has such a unique touch to what he does. it's going to be... very hard getting used to the room without him. buzz has to wonder-- how will woody feel on the road with bo?]
...He's going to freak out when you tell him. He might even get mad, but you know it'll be out of concern.
[it probably won't ever feel full again, even though buzz and jessie have each other. he's happy for them both and he knows it was the right thing, but... doing the right thing really sucks, sometimes.
...but on the flipside, no-one could've handled the grief that would've followed woody if he'd had to leave bo a second time and be left in the closet all the time. least of all woody himself. buzz still doesn't regret it, no matter what. he never will.]
Yelling about this really isn't the best way to go.
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I won't... insult what you've been through by saying that it's okay, because it's not. It very much isn't, but... you came back. You both did. You broke out of it. Have you spoken to Will about this?
[that's... not something he envies her for. how could you explain that to someone his age?]
Does anything trigger them? [because of course he wants to make sure he can protect her from that part of it, at least.]
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[Unsurprisngly.]
No... I don't think so. They just come and go. It's not like- [like her other traumas] it's not like small spaces or anything. Nothing makes them come. They just do.
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[he nods as he considers this-- buzz is quite familiar with it. it's an unfortunately familiar feeling, though still new for them both. at least her claustrophobia has an obvious trigger.]
It'll likely be like that for a while. Next time it happens, let me know. [he wants to discuss will, too, wants to encourage her to get him to talk to someone but... jessie is his priority. he can feel guilty about that later.] Staying grounded when it hits you will be important. You don't... I know its gonna be hard, but this is a possible spiral of guilt and self-loathing that has to be fought against. It was the town trying to break you down. Do you want me to see if I can seek out others that changed so they can commiserate?
[other adults goes unsaid. will is incredible, but he is still just a kid.]
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[Or... the transformation ended, anyway. Everything else still lingers, much as she's tried to shut it out. She offers him a weak smile.]
I will, I promise. [She genuinely does appreciate it. She knows he's dealing with.. a lot, and doesn't want to drag him down with her.] I didn't think about that... it might be a good idea. Talking it over with someone else who's been there might do some good.
[Because keeping it ALL LOCKED INSIDE sue did not.]
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I don't mind looking, but-- I understand you want to keep this underwraps, too. It's not the sort of thing you want everyone... [a little glance back to the house. sorry, woody and bo.] to know as basic trivia.
[and... he feels so guilty for not being able to help further with this. there's only so much he can do, at the end of the day. she trusted him to help and protect her and it feels like he's just... delegating it. but it's a selfish feeling, focused on himself, and he knows he doesn't deserve it.]
But-- we don't have to stop now, if there's still more you need to say.
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I know they'll need to know eventually. [She picks up what he puts down, glancing back at the house. ] They've just been so happy lately. I don't want to mess that up.
[Because lord know their happiness is always so fleeting here.]
It was... weirdly freeing? [Does she sound guilty about that? She sure sounds guilty.] I was still angry all the time, but nothing else was there. No memories of Emily or being in the box. It was all gone. ...But then I didn't have memories of any of you and that- I hate that.
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[that's all he can really say to that. he promised jessie he wouldn't share it and it really is up to her to decide when to tell them. this isn't something like accidentally breaking someone's accessory while trying to do a stunt with it and not wanting to be chased around the room and smacked with mrs potato head's purse.]
A double-edged sword. You got freedom from your past at the expense of... everything else. [which is to say, he doesn't think poorly of her for enjoying the freedom. it stings, but he can't imagine it hurts any more than when he looks at her with no recognition when his switch is flipped.] You're not you without it. Without the relationships you've formed with me and the others, without all the strength it took for you to get to where you are now.
[.....and also thunderbird jessie ate people.]
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[It's very much that feeling- of watching what makes him him vanish away like it was never there at all. She hates it. Every single time. She sucks in a breath, leaning against him a little, taking the comfort she could.]
It wasn't me, and I don't want it to be me. I just... don't know if it'll ever happen again. I sure hope not, but we never know.
[Thunderbird Jessie totally ate people.]
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[buzz just... shakes his head as he looks away for a moment. talking about it like this is all well and good, but he knows it's going to happen again. it's inevitable. when jessie came out her box-- did she think she was a real cowgirl, too? with their own inner workings and timelines up in the air, there's not even one single way it could happen again.]
I hate to say it, but all we can do is deal with it as it happens. That's really all any of the Sleepers here can do when these things happen. At least... whenever it's over, we'll all be here with you to help.
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[She doesn't want to use it as a crutch- she got by back home without it. But this place... well, this place knows not only how to press all her buttons, but can also create whole new buttons to press repeatedly. She doesn't like it at all.
She manages a fleeting smile.]
I know that, too. I'm real grateful that you're here. It means more than anything that you're here. Don't reckon I could deal with this place without you here.
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[he's pretty insistent he deals with everything, it seems like. that said, he knows what he'd do with it. just put it in a lockbox and hide the key.]
Oh, believe me, I understand. I thought I'd lose it if it was just me and Woody. [he says that in jest, obviously.] And seeing Bo for more than five minutes? That's only a good thing.
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[Buzz, honey, stop taking on everything. It's too much. Buzz please.]
I'm pretty sure if it was just you and Woody, this place would be on fire by now. [She loves you boys but you are both A Lot. Especially together.] It's been so good to spend time with Bo again.
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We're not that bad... [said in the tone of someone who knows they are absolutely that bad.] I didn't get to see her much even in the Basin. It all went by so fast and we had so much to do.
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Uh-huh. So you two didn't get into any fights while you were both... younger? At all?
[Her smile turns a little sadder.]
We just didn't get any time at all. I'm glad we got it here.
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[............they definitely have at least one old-married-couple-esque disagreement a day.]
I know being with you for longer than five seconds means the world to her, too.
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You wanna try that one again, Space Ranger?
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[TREADING DANGEROUS WATERS, LIGHTYEAR.]
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You know the other toys told me what happened when you and Woody met, right? You know they didn't keep that a secret? Potato Head pretty much yelled it at me on my second day in the room.
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I'm just kidding, Jessie. I know what we're like.
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So long as you're aware. I'd hate you to be living in denial over that.
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Oh, you know the upper octaves Woody reaches when he's upset. There's no way I could forget those headaches.
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Oh, I know. Never thought any toy other than a Barbie could manage that, but there he is. Defying all explanation.
[Bitching about Woody is always a great time anyway.]
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[woody just has such a unique touch to what he does. it's going to be... very hard getting used to the room without him. buzz has to wonder-- how will woody feel on the road with bo?]
...He's going to freak out when you tell him. He might even get mad, but you know it'll be out of concern.
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[It's going to feel very empty for a very long time, she reckons. She frowns, heaving out a sigh.]
I know. And I know I'll probably get defensive and yell at him back. We've got a process.
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...but on the flipside, no-one could've handled the grief that would've followed woody if he'd had to leave bo a second time and be left in the closet all the time. least of all woody himself. buzz still doesn't regret it, no matter what. he never will.]
Yelling about this really isn't the best way to go.
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